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A General Restart (coming clean on my fall from grace)

I did it.  I actually beat the odds and did it.  I'd gone from being a person that was pushing 300 pounds to being a lean 199 pounds.  So what happened?

It was easier than you'd think.  And what's worse, I couldn't write about it until now.

Any of you that are still checking my site for updates (and how I love you for it) know that I had a major event that just completely turned my life upside down.  I couldn't talk about it at the time.  But now its 'let the cat out of the bag' time.

A number of years ago, my lovely wife Heather had some odd twitching issues when she slept.  It wasn't major.  I'm a pretty deep sleeper so it had to get to a certain level before we even knew it was happening.  And when It did, I'd put my arm around her and just hold her still until it either passed or I fell asleep.  It was kind of cute at the time.  I just viewed it as one of those quirky things that made her so unique.

However, as time passed it got worse.  And it became increasingly harder to hold her steady.  Initially we thought it was probably something like restless leg syndrome.  But we were wrong.

Heather started going to doctors.  I didn't like any of the things they were telling us.  I'm not fond of doctors in the first place and the idea of my wife/best friend having something going on inside of her that we didn't fully understand.well.that scared the hell out of me.

But no one was giving us a definite answer.  Tests.tests.more tests.wait..monitor.compare scans.  It took years.  And meanwhile the twitching was getting worse.  I couldn't hold her when it happened.  I think that's when I started to really freak out about it.  No matter how strong my weight training was making me.I wasn't strong enough and would NEVER be strong enough to hold my wife still when she got her night shakes. 

What good was all this training doing if I couldn't even perform this simple task?  I was starting to drift off my path.

Then we finally found out.we finally learned what the problem was.  The neurologist had us come in for the news.  Heather has multiple sclerosis (MS).  My whole world shank to the size of that room.  I remember them talking about options, treatments, reading material.what the future had in store.  But I couldn't tell you any of it.  I didn't hear much past the diagnosis.  It just kept ringing in my head.

To my wife's credit, she took the news surprisingly well.  Later there were issues but at the time she took it well.  I didn't..I couldn't.  No cure.NO CURE.I couldn't stop thinking about it.  I couldn't focus.

No, I didn't deal with it well at all.  I am humbled to admit it but everyday I drove to work I cried in the car where she wouldn't see me do it.  It was as if all the joy had been stolen from my life and I would never ever feel any other way.  No, I wasn't dealing well with it at all.

And to make it worse, I couldn't tell anyone.  Heather didn't want people to treat her differently.  I told my manager because I had to take time off work occasionally but after that.only a few close friends knew.  And blogging was completely out of the question.  Which is way I stopped writing.  If I couldn't write about what was on my mind.well..what else is there to write about??

My life up-ended, I slowly started putting weight back on.  Now I'm worse off than I was.  Along the way I made some half hearted attempts to get myself back on track but until I could deal with the real problem, they were all doomed to failure.

Luckily Heather went public a while ago.so I've been free to start up again.  But then.well it was embarrassing really.  "So.you put all your weight back on?  Not such a big shot in the weight loss community anymore, are you?"  I just didn't want to face it.  At least not until now.

You know what?  I don't care if someone wants to give me a hard time over this.  If that's the type of person they are, then they aren't the type of person whose opinion I care to put stock in.  Hey, I'm Token Fat Guy..I don't care what other people think.  Wait a moment.I'm Token Fat Guy!  When on Earth did I start caring if someone thought I looked silly or not??  I post my weight on my shirt for all the world to see.

What the heck has been wrong with me all this time?  I just needed to get it down on paper.er.virtual paper..whatever.  Yeah, that's right.  Now I'm feeling better.  And what's more..I'M BACK!!!!!


Now here is a cute kitty because that's the type of thing I like..


And just like THAT I remember how to write a blog!


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