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August 04, 2008

Identity Crisis

"Geez Robert, you are a machine!"

It was an innocent enough comment.  One of my coworkers was making a statement about how well my weight loss had been going lately.  But that statement prompted the following from me....

"Yes, I've been feeling like a machine lately."

And that's where it started. 

Recently I've turned my life upside down as I've become more and more serious about my running.  I've changed my diet around, changed my workout days, even dropped two of my favorite workout classes at the YMCA to make room for my new found activity.

Which was fine at first but lately I've been feeling something is amiss....something just isn't sitting right with me.

So I took a step back....stopped everything.  If there is one thing my many failed dieting attempts have taught me it is that I need to have my head right if I'm going to stay on track.  If I can't keep my head in the game, then I'll burn out...or lose interest.

It took me a couple weeks to really sort out what was bothering me.  And it happened to coincide with the healing time that I needed for a nasty blister I got on the back of my heel...so timing wise, it worked out just fine.

The problem was that I really didn't know what was wrong...just that something was.  It wasn't until I talked with one of my other coworkers about it that I realized what was my boggle.

You have to go back a ways to really understand it.  For those of you that struggle with your weight, you will probably understand this more than the rest will, but being fat is....comfortable...its easy.  So when I created this Token Fat Guy persona, it was an easy role for me to play.  I was that fat guy at the gym with the funny T-shirt that shows his starting weight on the back...easy.frontback

But when running, I couldn't be that guy.  Cotton T-shirts and running don't mix.  And all my TFG shirts are size 2XL...way too big for me to be running in now that I'm a size L.  And while I'm on the subject of shirt size....I'm not really that fat anymore.  Sure, I've got more weight to lose but already lost 3/4th of what I set out to do. 

Plus, every time I turn around, some one on Spark is telling me that I need to change my name from TokenFatGuy to TokenFitGuy or TotallyFabulousGuy or something like that.  And while I know they mean well, they are right, I'm not really that heavy anymore.  I can't hide behind my fat any longer.

So that's where I am.  If I'm not that fat guy any more, who am I?  I'm not sure yet.  I just don't know.  I have some ideas....but I'm not ready to go public with them yet.  I need time to sort out all of that.

However, knowing that I need to do this, I can pick up with my weight loss efforts and continue on my journey.  Sunday I started lifting again.  My triceps are killing me today.  Today I went for a run.  Nothing big, just a 3.1 miles.  Both workouts felt good. 

And that's something I've missed.  Some of my runs and lifts were getting to be forced.  I wasn't enjoying them.  I think part of my problem with that was I wasn't getting a break...ever.  With the new workout schedule, I was lifting 3 days a week and running 4 days.  I no longer had a true recovery day.  This was something I missed. 

So against the advice of some of my fellow runners, I'm throttling back to running 3 days a week.  I'm still a beginning runner.  And I'm in my 40s.  Until my body gets used to all this pounding, I need that extra day of recovery.  Maybe next year I'll go back to running 4 days a week, but for now I'm listening to my body and dropping the extra day.

Lack of Progress Report

Being off diet and not working out for two weeks, I've lost some ground.  But it isn't anything I can't get back.  I've still got plenty of time to get my running to the level I'll need for the half marathon I want to try in December.  And the small amount of weight I've gained will drop off now that I'm back on my plan.

And before you ask, I'm not telling how much I've gained back.  I'll announce when I've reached 199 again, and that's it.  It shouldn't take too long.

Well that's about all the touchy-feely that I can stand for today.  Time to get back to doing other stuff.


Remember to increase the water you leave out for your pets during the summer...they need the extra!

NOTE:  Friends visiting from Spark People be sure to check out the home page to get your humor fix.  And those of you that are hitting the site from elsewhere, check out my page on Spark People.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never know whether to comment here, or on Sparkpeople...But I commend you for giving yourself a break. I am SO right where you are at, and trying to figure out who this person is they keep calling "skinny". I get it! And you get it...You will be well on your way to where you want to be in no time!! We all need time to take a break once and a while...and how the heck do we stop those blisters?????

August 9, 2008 at 10:14 PM  

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