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December 1, 2006

Weighed in at 265. I've come full circle. When I started this journey back in January '04 I logged my max weight at 265. Since then I've been on a rollercoaster of weight gain and weight loss. I've been all over the place while learning some pretty hard lessons. So I'm back to the beginning. I could look at it as having not gained any ground in nearly 3 years. Or I could look at it as undoing the damage of the last 3 years. That last one sounded pretty good. I'll go with that.

NOTE: Just a reminder that during this journey, I did once make it down to 252.

Okay...I might as well admit it. I'm discouraged. Not overly so, but I am a bit. It's like I work so hard and just when I start to get somewhere, I blow it and end up worse off than when I started. Sure, I learn something each time I fail...but they are expensive lessons. I mean look at me. My max weight was 292lbs. What sort of terrible fat ass am I to let myself get that out of control? I was a gymnast...damn it...a gymnast. I did my workout routines 5 times a week. I did martial arts...blue belt in Tae Kwon Do. I could bike 50 miles without really giving much thought to it.

Now look at me. I'm a complete fat ass. I'm an awful person.

Where did all this come from? I think I know. I found an old picture of myself. Wow...I was thin. REALLY THIN. That's the thing...really. It's like that bit from the movie "Breakfast Club". "There are two kinds of fat people. Those that were born fat and those that were born thin...and then became fat."

That's me….the thin guy that got fat. I've done so much damage to myself, I wonder if I'll ever really undo it. Or will I just screw it up again and end up worse off than when I started?

Sure, I'm down 27 lbs...but that's after gaining 27 lbs from my start point. All this work...and I'm right back to where I started. What the hell? Seriously...what the hell? I'm so very tired of looking like this. I've been at this for 3 years and I have nothing to show for it.

I need to find a way to cheer myself up...something that DOESN'T involve pizza.

Hmmm...okay...I think I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I re-read the blood letter, 'Hack Yourself'...it helps. Here, I recommend it to anyone that feels sorry for themselves...


Okay...I think I feel a bit better now. Hey, I'm wearing size 40 pants again! How bad can it be?! Yeah, I think I'll be alright now. I'll take a walk during my lunch hour. That always helps me get focused.

NOTE: Stay away from Leonard for a few days. He's sick. I don't need to catch it.

Okay...back from walking. I feel tons better. Walking really helps give me time to think or unwind or just plain daydream. I have a route here that takes me about 15 minutes to complete. I've started doing 4 laps walking during my lunch hour. Then I grab lunch when I get back.

One of the things I thought about while I was out was that just because I'm the same weight as I was 3 years ago, that doesn't make me the same person. All lessons learned aside, I'm stronger than I was 3 years ago. More muscle will help me break out of this fat suit. This is completely different than it was back then. I think I was just due for a quick bout of depression.

I guess its best to just let it run its course and get it over with.


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