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Coming Right Along

The last few weeks have been.well.pretty good.  I've felt more focused and I've been a bit more active. 

Slowly, I'm pushing away some of my bad habits and trying to replace them with better ones.  Here are some good ones that I've started up..

1. Working out in the morning.  Nothing serious yet, but I've been on the rowing machine.  Each week I add just a bit more to my routine.  I don't spend so much time on it that I get bored.  But it does get the blood running and it does wake me up.

2. Smoothie breakfasts. We bought a Ninja.  One of those kitchen Ninjas.  And a few books on how to make super food smoothies.  It keeps us honest since we do it together and I really think I'm feeling better, in part, because of it.

3. Weekly shopping trips.  This goes back to the saying, "if you don't plan your food, your food will plan you". Since we have food in the house to cook, we are less likely to stuff ourselves with junk or go out to eat (also junk).

Its not big.but it is starting to take hold.  My weight is starting to drop off and like I mentioned before, I'm feeling better.  So I plan on taking this foundation and making the best out of it. 

Not anything else to report at this point.  But had the urge to get my thoughts out of my head.so I'm doing it. 

Oh!  And one more thing.  I found out that the cat food that we'd been getting at our local pet supply store was WAY overpriced.  I found out that by getting it from Amazon.com we could save nearly $700 a year.  So sign me up!  We just got our first delivery last week.  So we had to rearrange our pantry for that.

Okay.now I'm done.

Well, that was Unexpected

A few days ago, I dug out my password to the long dead blog.  Then I poured out my feelings..just like the old days when I was blogging every week or so.  I did it out of frustration.not sure what I was really expecting to happen.

So what happened?  I slept better than I have in quite some time.  And the next day, actually the next few days, I felt great.  I STILL feel great.  I've been more focused at work, I've looked forward to doing the tasks I've set for myself, and I got a real glimpse of how I used to be.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't regained my center.but I felt it again.  Just for a while.  And for now what is important is that I feel pretty good.  I am sleeping normally, and I'm greeting the next day well rested. 

I'm not sure what this means.  I scribble a few random thoughts and feelings onto the Internet and suddenly I start getting better.  How does that work? 

I don't know.  Am I just in need of doing a brain dump to fully process the things in my head that are all bottled up?  But I do feel better..and I do want to keep going.  Maybe this is the critical piece that was missing.  Maybe not.  But I do want to keep going.

So I'm going to keep it up.  I'll post now..and I'll post again when I feel the need to process what's in my head.  And we will see where that goes.

Also, I'm thinking about redesigning the site.  But for now I'm just going to keep posting to the blog..and I'll see where that takes me.

What the Heck Happened?

I've lost so much in the last several years.  I don't even know where to start anymore.  One of the things I lost is my readers.  So no one is even going to read this anymore.  Which, I have to admit, is one of the reasons I've continued to resist writing in my old blog. 

<internal voice>"What's the point?  No one will read it."

<internal voice>"But Robert.when you started writing it wasn't meant for other people.it was meant for you (me)."

In fact when I first began writing, it wasn't even a blog.  It was a Word doc.  I didn't get the blog idea until later when I started seeing other people doing it.  I thought it would be a great way to organize my thoughts and really get in touch with what I was thinking.  And maybe I'd hear from others that thought like I did.

And it was!  I worked wonderfully.  But something else came along with it..readers.  People actually showed interest in what I had to say.  And that made it very encouraging to me.  It was a very satisfying byproduct.

But in the last few years I just haven't wanted to write because I didn't want people nosing around in my badly damaged brain.  And then I don't want to write at all because what's the point if no one is going to read it.

Does that make sense?  I don't know.  But its how my brain is working. 

And another thing that has kept me from writing is work.  It isn't that I've been too busy to write.  I have been busy but that's not the reason.  I've been writing so much for work..so very much.that I just felt like work was getting all my good words/ideas.

I know.that's stupid.  It doesn't work that way.  But that's the way I've been thinking.  Now that I'm writing all this, and the words are just pouring out of me.like they used to..I'm only just now realizing how much I've been keeping stuff pent up inside of me.  One of my main outlets was gone and I wasn't replacing it.

I've been hiding.  But that's a post for another day.  For now, I just want to write down that I'm going to start writing again.  And to hell with the idea that no one is going to read it.  If people come back, they come back.otherwise I'm still going to use this the way I originally intended.  To get stuff out of my head.

So what does that mean for now?  I don't know.  I don't know what the fate of TFG will be.but I know I need to write.  It doesn't matter if no one reads it.  It doesn't matter if it just is a bunch of rambling.  I need this.  I need to get stuff out of my head before it damages me even farther.

So there it is.  I've written a bunch of nonsense to post to the Internet.